Lies, Damned Lies, and History. Note to self: write books with shorter titles!

Lies, Damned Lies, and History.

Note to self: write books with shorter titles!

Well, here we are again. Another book done and dusted. I can’t fiddle any longer. I’ve been through the manuscript and scattered commas everywhere and I’ve been back through and9781910939000 taken them all out again. I’ve fiddled, changed words, re-written, frowned and fretted, and now the moment has come to overcome separation anxiety and actually send the thing off to my publishers, the world-leading Accent Press. Yes, that Accent Press – they of the platinum helicopters, caviar breakfasts and private dungeon. Or the Author Recreational Room with Stimulation and Encouragement as they like us to refer to it. And it is true, a couple of weeks with your head in their ARRSE, and the words just fly from your keyboard.

I’ve fiddled, changed words, re-written, frowned and fretted, and now the moment has come to overcome separation anxiety and actually send the thing off to my publishers…

Anyway, completion of the manuscript means I have to send the damned thing off, so it’s time to take the half-dozen lightly oiled young men from the cupboard – I can’t believe I forgot to send them back last time – dust them down, book the band, notify the Queen, shut down Parliament for the day – will anyone notice? – and wave goodbye to my baby.

There will be the usual tearful scenes. I gather my ragged clothes around me and follow the manuscript as it is borne aloft by the aforesaid young men. Today, the minefield has been switched off and we are allowed to cross the hallowed acres of the Accent Press Car Park. Senior staff, wearing their ordinary day clothes of gold lame and casually sprinkled diamonds, emerge from the multi-storeyed Accent Press HQ – think Dark Tower with added battlements and shrieking – and climb into their Ferraris and Lamborghinis for the endurance testing two hundred yard trip to accept the manuscript.

To a hushed silence, the manuscript is formally handed over. At a given signal, pennies are graciously tossed and somewhere, as part of the Encouragement Scheme, a lucky Accent author will be permitted a quick glimpse of the sun.

I grovel in the Accent-approved manner, the young men glisten magnificently, angels sing,
unseen hands fling open the front door, the unicorn rears, the band plays loudly enough to drown the sounds of Accent authors receiving yet more Stimulation and Encouragement, and then it’s gone. The massive doors close with a boom and we all have two point five seconds to vacate the sacred carpark before they let loose the Kraken.

And I open a file, name it Book 8, and stare at the screen …

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15 thoughts on “Lies, Damned Lies, and History. Note to self: write books with shorter titles!

  1. on book 5 after reading them all again – amazing how much i missed first time due to ‘excited get to the end’ type reading first time round 🙂 keep em coming Ms T x

  2. I’m erecting my tent, unpacking my sleeping bag and bagging a pitch on the doorstep. I have my little Calor gas stove ready and a store of tinned soup. I also have my Kraken detector charged up and ready. 😀

  3. Holy cow that was brilliant. Today is cleaning day and it’s got me miserable, bored, and filled with raging fury all at the same time. Then this post came in and totally cheered me up. Fabulous! =) Was it your gift to accent press to get them giggling? =)

  4. You are so incredibly witty, I think that Accent Press should have been throwing pound coins at you not pennies. I hope you and your lightly oiled young men managed to get back across the car park without the Unicorn giving chase – a unicorn’s horn can be very sharp.
    Now all we have to do is get through the next few months before we can feast our eyes on your offering.

    • I absolutely agree – with the bit about throwing pound coins that is. You’ll be relieved to hear that all the young men made it back safely and are now awaiting a personal debrief from me. You have no idea how we authors suffer, but we do it gladly for our readers.

      • I do appreciate what you go through, having to debrief half a dozen hunky young oiled men must be a real torture 😉 Thank you so much for all you do for us.

  5. So now I am setting my stopwatch to await publishing day! Knowing that the fruits of your labours will be demolished quicker than Dr Bairstow can deduct wages from the St Mary’s team!. Booking the day off and making sure that Waitrose deliver the obligatory cream cakes and tea in time for the reading.

    Thank you for all your hard work I can’t wait for the book to arrive!

  6. Thank you so much Jodi, for giving your readers another behind the scenes look at your writing process! I’m wondering, is this the same procedure you go through when you send in the manuscript for your short stories? I’ve enjoyed your books so much, and now I’m even more grateful to you, given how much you go through to write them and get them to us!! Sending you the relevant emojis: ????????☕???????? Really looking forward to May 5th!!!!

  7. I bought the first St Mary’s book on 3rd Jan. Just finished the last one, along with all the cute freebie ones on audible you’ve done. My purchase today is A Batchelor Establishment! There is something about your writing style which is so appealing and I can’t believe I’ll have to wait for months now for the next one.

    If I win the lottery, could you come round my house and just tell me stories please?

  8. Ok, that was brilliant–laugh out loud and sob a moment later– and there WILL be a book 8? I was worried, as things were just a bit too “end-y” there! I am enjoying this series immensely, having discovered it and audiobooks about the same time. Totally blowing my budget and I don’t care! Thank you! Oh, and when can we expect the next? I’ll gladly come wash your dishes if it would hurry things on! 🙂

  9. I just (finally—it’s been seven whole days since ordering!!) got my copy of the long and short of it. (Hope you find the princes in the tower—that’d be very interesting.) I would like to day tho, that being a troglodyte, I don’t read anything, really, that isn’t on paper. Please save up and print any future short stories so I can get a BOOK! And I want you to know, after buying book one and five (why didn’t the store have the intervening numbers? ) and ordering all the others, you have totally ruined any other books! They aren’t nearly as interesting. Sigh. Hard times. I guess I will just have to read books one thru seven again, while I wait for eight….or, just a thought, I could try printing all your posts! That should only take…oh…a pack or two of paper, right?

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